Fri. 10/22: I am going to start my blog this evening by telling you that I am in desperate need of prayer. My knee is definitely injured and all week I have been resting it so as not to agitate it further. I went to my friend’s Chiropractor on Monday and again on Wednesday, but unfortunately, my knee actually felt worse after leaving the office. I did not have what I would call a traditional adjustment and I am wondering if that is why I hurt so much. Instead, the Dr. used some kind of hand held device that looked like a drill and did this “click” thing around both of my knee bones. It was supposed to help put everything back in place, but really, I am not sure what it did because like said, I am feeling worse. I also did a foot detox. I do think that helped a bit. One Tuesday and Thursday, I went to the gym as usual and did the elliptical bike. I used setting 10 again with the endurance level and both days I did 30 minutes. Today, I felt so awful for not even walking my hills in the neighborhood, that I decided I had to get out there and run at least 3 miles so I could stay conditioned for Sunday’s race. Hubby, me and the boy drove up to the park and I ran my miles while they hung out. I wore my good insoles and really felt the difference from last week when I did the 10.8 miles. It took me exactly 35 minutes to run 3.6 miles. That’s a 10 minute mile so I was extremely happy with the outcome, but my left knee is in dire straights. I was hobbling for most of the run, but I kept saying in my head, “No pain. No gain. You CAN do this. You have to do this. Prove that you can do it.” I went home and iced both of my knees, did the Icy Hot thing and took two Advil.
Most of this week I have felt rather down. I can tell I am beginning to lose my mojo so to speak. I am sick of running by myself. I am sick of not having any music. I am sick of my knee hurting and I am worried I will not be able to finish this ½ marathon this Sunday because of it. I know I am at a crossroads. My desire is to just push through the pain, but I am worried that my body will get the best of me and I won’t be able to complete the run within the 3 hour time limit. I don’t want to be last! On top of all of this, the Disney Marathon is now 80% full. Do I really want to do this? Why? What am I trying to prove? Who am I trying to prove it to? Why does my knee have to hurt?! *Sigh.* Yes, tonight I am sitting here feeling terribly sorry for myself.
I have been thinking a lot this week on how preparing for the marathon has been a sort of parallel to how I have lived most of my life. I start projects with a bang. Then as things get tough, I fizzle out. I hear a negative comment or two from people and instead of proving them wrong, their comments go straight to my heart and deflate my bubble. I’ve always been the kind of person who needs more than the average “atta girl”. I can hear 10 positive things and just one negative and my brain ends up fixating on the one negative thing. Why? Then slowly, I give up on whatever it was that I was aiming for and I just move on. Why? Why do I keep doing that? Why do I keep allowing that? What is it about me that I give up so easy? And am I setting myself up to do it again with this whole marathon thing? Who am I to think that I can run a marathon by Jan. 2011 with only 4 ½ months of mediocre training? I’ll tell you why. Because part of me is fool enough to think I can. Is that pride? Arrogance? Stupidity? Or, is it just wishful thinking? And if it’s wishful thinking, what’s so wrong with that? The other part of me is smart enough to question the sanity of it like many of you already have. My cop out is that it’s all Disney’s fault! Honestly, it’s the only marathon I really want to run. The location, the spectacle of it all, and the pure excitement and adrenaline of being around other people who I know will be there for the fun of it and not just the sport of it. Why does it have to be in January?! Yes, I am pushing myself to do this and on purpose. I don’t want to wait until Jan. 2012, which is over a year away to run the Disney marathon. So you see, I am stuck. I started training as soon the wild hair took hold. Unfortunately for me, the wild hair took hold a little late. And now with my knee I am afraid it may be over before I even get to don my Mickey ears and wish upon a star.
I don’t want to give up. I really don’t. I have to put on my thinking cap and figure out how I can get through Sunday and complete the half marathon I signed up for. And then there’s the nervousness about running it knowing that my neighbor acquaintance will also be there. And I know she’s in great shape and injury-free as far as I know. We’ll be competing against one another (sort of), and I already have this vision that she will be blowing by me while I am hobbling along in pain blaming and cursing my body for letting me down. That part is definitely a pride issue for me so I am doing my best to put that aside and not focus too heavily on it.
If any of you out there have any last minute ideas on what I can do to get through this or any encouraging words to say to me, I’m all ears! Hubby’s sister and cousin are both physical therapists so I am going to be calling them first thing tomorrow morning. Neither lives local to us, but his cousin is who we are staying with for the ½ marathon this weekend. I also have a friend who lives in my neighborhood who is a Chiropractor and her office is open on Saturday. My plan is to call her and see if there is anything she can suggest. I’ll be downing the Advil prior to the race and I have a knee band support strap that I’ll be wearing. And prayer. Again, I can use all the prayer you want to throw my way.
Thanks for listening to my rant tonight. I needed to let off some steam. I’ll let you know how it goes.
“It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop.” — Confucius